To Walk On Water

Yesterday was a rough day for me. 

Before I go into too many details, I feel as if I should back up a bit.  I just gave birth to our second child.  My husband and I both strongly believe it is best for me to stay at home with the babies, at least until they are in high school. Then if I should choose to work outside of the home I can be free to do so. 

So Dan and I have been going over our options.  Right now we are staying with his parents until we find a place that is closer to our home church, where Dan serves on staff.  We have been going back and forth over different issues, but it isn't so much Dan that has been debating and battling them.

It is me. 

I am a control freak by nature.  I am steadily trying to let go of my control issues and really work on having faith and trust that God will provide what we need in due time.  But all of these thoughts keep coming in my head and I feel like I am drowing in a sea of doubt.

I keep coming up with excuses like:

"My health insurance is way better than the churches. What are we going to do about that?"
"Why do we have to live in Orange County? It is too far and too expensive."
"What about money? Will we be able to pay for our living expenses out there?"
"Can we even find decent housing in a decent area?

The questions keep coming and I leave my poor husband with nothing except the duty to try and answer them and try to keep me at ease and not stressed over the whole situation.  The truth is, it isn't his fault he doesn't have all the answers.  He already trusts God will provide.  He is doing the research to make sure we can live on one income, but he TRUSTS that if it's God's will.....then He will provide. To have complete faith in Him.  He is the only one who is completely worthy of such trust.

I find myself lacking in faith so often.  I broke down in tears doing my devotions as God revealed this sin that was buried in my heart.  I had to pray and seek forgiveness from my Father in heaven because it became so heavy.  I had to release it.  Those of you who lack faith know what I am talking about.  It is an ugly poison.  It aggravates any situation and I find myself far more stressed out than I need to be.  I had to let it go.  The phrase "let go and let God" always sounded cliche to me....but this time it perfectly suited what I was experiencing.  It was no longer a cliche. It had become truth to me and it was healing to my soul. 

As God graciously lifted the weight of my sin from my heart, I called my husband in tears, who also graciously comforted me and prayed with me and assured me that we would be able to figure things out....even if they didn't necessarily go the way we desired it to.  God is good. God is our provider, comforter, healer, friend and teacher.

Trust is so hard at times.  I think many of us as christians live such sedentary lives because we don't trust God with our WHOLE lives. I think of Peter, when Jesus was walking on the water towards His disciples. He was the only one who go out of the boat.  The rest of them, probably paralyzed by fear that they will sink into the depths of the ocean, stayed behind.  And even though Peter took his eyes off of Christ for a moment and began to sink...he was the only one who felt Christ pull him up to safety.  The one disciple who heard Christ speak these words that forever changed his world and perspective:

"You of little faith, why did you doubt?"

I hope to be like Peter. I am halfway there since I often put my foot in my mouth *ahem*. But my prayer is that God challenges me to get out of the boat more often. Have faith that He can do more than I think he can.  To take Him out of the little box I have have placed Him in and let His power be completely evident in my life.  To not miss out on all that He has created me for. 

Is this your desire too? Or are you sitting in the boat, not willing to leave it behind because it feels "safe"? 

Tiff~

Matthew 14: 23-31